This morning I sent an notice, not really expecting anyone to show up:
Good morning everyone! I’m sitting at the teahaus watching Brene Brown’s video “The Power of Vulnerability” and thought I’d host an impromptu discussion about vulnerability. Come join me!
…This is what came of it:
(There is a notecard mentioned, given to me by Sedona. She is offline so I haven’t received her permission to post it here, so perhaps I will post it at a later date.)
Chraeloos: So, make yourselves comfortable, feel free to have some tea if you’d like 🙂
Chraeloos: The video is running on the screen behind me, you can also open it in your browser if its easier
Chraeloos: Wow, everyone has notecards about this already haha
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): I don’t!
Chraeloos: haha well let me send you one
Chraeloos: Good morning Kelian 🙂
Wisdomseeker (lissena): please send me one too
Kelian Chayoo: Good morning
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Thank you 🙂
Chraeloos: most welcome
Chraeloos: would anyone else like a notecard?
Kelian Chayoo: yes please
Wisdomseeker (lissena): yes
Chraeloos: The notecards were written by a great friend Sedona
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Oh, I see….I had no idea what “the power” of vulnerability could be…but allowing our vulnerability to be seen can foster intimacy, too 🙂
Chraeloos: Exactly Vi – and letting go of shame. So many people feel that they aren’t worthy of love. But, if you can’t fully give yourself to your partner, how can you love them?
Chraeloos: I think it is so important to recognize that vulnerability is what makes us human. It isn’t a weakness, but a place for character and learning and growth, in the sense that we can learn from each others vulnerabilities
Chraeloos: If we didn’t have vulnerabilities, how would we interact? We’d all be exactly the same. How boring!
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): (I like what she says early on about “Life is messy–clean it up” vs. “Life is messy–love it”
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): )
Chraeloos: haha, right? She is hilarious and so true
Chraeloos: Really, aren’t us humans messy? Aren’t we all experiencing something in every moment? Whether it has a good or bad affect, it still influences us and perhaps how we treat others
Chraeloos: And, the notecard explains that we think of vulnerability as “no protection”, but what do we have to be protected from? If we can open up and accept ourselves the way we are, it shows great strength, not vulnerability.
Kelian Chayoo: Oh! I have to run. Excuse me everyone
Chraeloos: take good care Kelian, thank you for stopping by 🙂
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Take care, Kelian!
Kelian Chayoo: Thanks, and bye
Chraeloos: Hm, this leads me to bravery. I don’t think bravery is running into battle despite all costs – I think bravery is being able to step away from it without feeling shame. Recognizing when something is too much and letting it go. Accepting responcibility
Chraeloos: Good morning druth 🙂
Chraeloos: Good mornign Catrina 🙂
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): This reminds me of some stuff by Susan Johnson, a relationship researcher… “The power of attachment, emotions and needs are such that even partners who’ve never known safe loving responsiveness from others, or have been violated by those they depended on, will still risk reaching out for care. And even if partners see their lover as scared and vulnerable, they can access a protective empathy that even they didn’t know they possessed.”
Chraeloos: Ah, very nice point Vi
Ari (arisia.vita): Weakness prevails over strength–gentleness conquers. Become the calm and restful breeze that tames the violent sea.
Chraeloos: Ari – beautifully said
Chraeloos: Why see vulnerability as negative? Why not open up to it and let it become you?
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Mm…I like that, Ari 🙂
Chraeloos: Please help yourselves to a tea if you’d like, and if you have media activated the video is on the screen behind me, or you can open it in your own browser if you’d prefer
druth Vlodovic: I’ve seen it before
druth Vlodovic: an interesting talk
Chraeloos: /me nods at Druth.
Chraeloos: It got me thinking haha
Chraeloos: if we all let more vulnerability into our lives, would that make us better people?
druth Vlodovic: I’ve always thought that people who are tough and invulnerable are really displaying fear and weakness
Chraeloos: what affect would it have on our relationships? Jobs?
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Me too, Druth.
Chraeloos: Druth, interesting! Like creating a shield?
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): The world could do with more tenderness for sure
Chraeloos: LIke bullies…
Chraeloos: /me nods at Vi.
Chraeloos: I think so too
druth Vlodovic: jobs? we’d become more interested in accomplishing our work and less on politics
Chraeloos: Ah, good point
druth Vlodovic: shields are a good idea if you exlect to be attacked
Chraeloos: Perhaps we’d be more (sorry to use a Buddhist term, but I cna’t think of a better one) mindful about all our actions
Chraeloos: druth – exactly. Why do we expect to be attacked all the time?
Catrinamonblue: fear of pain
druth Vlodovic: but a fellow I know who worked with the american navy pointed out that once you’ve spent allthis money and effort on destructive toys you can’tresist the urge to play with them
Chraeloos: Catrina – perhaps we have all felt pain before and we are afraid to face it?
Chraeloos: druth, well said
druth Vlodovic: setting your mind in a defensive pattern can be seen as creating battle toys
Ari (arisia.vita): from that example druth, I wish they had spent more money on “love toys” 🙂
Chraeloos: why do we shy away from pain and hurt? We know that we will experience at least once in our lives, even if its as small as a paper cut or as large as death. Isn’t is all an experience for growth and to see who your true friends are?
Chraeloos: Druth, yes, very true. You attract the way you think…
Chraeloos: Ari, yes!
Chraeloos: I believe the Buddha said, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” If we think defensively we are bound to encounter problems. Wehreas if we think tenderly we are bound to encounter love and friendship and ease.
Ari (arisia.vita): He also said…
Ari (arisia.vita): When life hurls stones at you, whether they be pebbles or boulders, remember that love is the great protector, protecting us from anger and jealousy, and from harm inflicted by spirits. When Buddha Shakyamuni was meditating under the Bodhi Tree he was attacked by all the terrifying demons of this world, but his love transformed their weapons into a rain of flowers. Ultimately our love will become the universal love of a Buddha, which actually has the power to bestow happiness on all living beings.
Chraeloos: Isn’t it true that when you love someone you love them for all the strengths and all their weaknesses? Whtether it’s family, friends, or a partner.
Chraeloos: Ari, beautiful
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): I think we learn too much bitterness and caution from pain, sometimes…that’s the “closing in” reaction Ran Prieur sometimes talks about; limiting our possibilities to limit our chances of being hurt again. We usually can learn empathy and compassion from hurt, too, though…that’s the “opening up” reaction–broadening our experiences to take in more beauty before us that helps us address the pain.
Catrinamonblue: Lovely Ari
Catrinamonblue: yes Professorette I agree
Chraeloos: Vi, well said
druth Vlodovic: “transforming their weapons to flowers” takes time we are afraid we won’thave before being hurt
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): 🙂 Ari
druth Vlodovic: but in the long term feuds never stop and only peace lasts
Chraeloos: HI Starhaeart 🙂
Chraeloos: wow sorry typoes haha
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Hi Star
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): Hi
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): sorry to be so late
Chraeloos: Druth, time, good point. How long does it take to be able to face the hurt and pain we’ve experiences?
Chraeloos: No problem Star 🙂 You’re welcome any time
Chraeloos: Pardon me a moment irl, am going to move to the kitchen…may get booted in the meantime
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): Good luck!
Chraeloos: thanks…looks like I’m safe haha
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): That was a good talk…thanks for sharing, Chrae 🙂
druth Vlodovic: we have the time we give ourselves i guess
druth Vlodovic: but it takes tons of equanimity to be willing to pay the price over and over
Chraeloos: no problem, any time 🙂 haha
Chraeloos: druth, good point
druth Vlodovic: and tons more courage to face the potential costs which are usually much higher
Chraeloos: I’ve found in myself that it is so much easier to let the pain in and encounter it and then let it go rather than hold on to it and carry it around for years
Chraeloos: I mean, get friendly with your emotions…haha
Chraeloos: why not let yourself experience what it is you feel?
druth Vlodovic: “make friends with suffering”
druth Vlodovic: when i first heard that i was horrified
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): That can be really difficult, but I agree….it’s usually best to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, even if it’s devastating…it’s usually better in the long term
Thє lovєlɣ Alíz: Nathalia (aliznathalia.raviprakash): that was lovely, thank you for hosting these wise words
Chraeloos: druth, haha yes I was too
Chraeloos: Aliz, most welcome, glad you could come
Chraeloos: Since this is impromptu there is no time limit, so feel free to stick around as long as you’d like
Chraeloos: Vi, very true. It can be devastating, and you can experience depths you never have before – which is where the bravery comes in. But the idea is to be the witness…realizing that there is a life ahead of you that doesn’t have to include this moment
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): “Sorrow isn’t something I want, but if it’s standing by my door, I’ll let it inside and love it like anything else.”….I wrote that in a letter to a friend; we were both going through very difficult things.
druth Vlodovic: in buddhism they talk about allowing suffering, and how it is good for people to suffer
Chraeloos: Vi, very well said! Thank you for sharing that
druth Vlodovic: ah,violet said it better than me 🙂
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): 😛
Chraeloos: Hm, I would disagree about it being good for people to suffer, but good to let it in sometimes for sure…I can see what you mean
Catrinamonblue: through suffering we come to kow what true joy is, you can’t have one without the other
Ari (arisia.vita): sorry for yet another quote, but they are coming freely today…
Ari (arisia.vita): The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Chraeloos: Catrina, agreed! Well said
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): It’s good to acknowledge that you are suffering.
druth Vlodovic: we get defensive because so often martyrdom is mixed with violence and mindlessness
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): 🙂 Ari
Chraeloos: No need to apologize Ari!
Catrinamonblue: Yes Ari exactly
Chraeloos: Druth, agreed
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): It’s good to acknowledge that others are suffering, too….it helps, to tell someone you see their vulnerability. It can be tricky to do, though, without poking them in tender spots..
Catrinamonblue: I been there and done that 🙂
druth Vlodovic: many good things are corrupted by those with agendas that it can be hard to know wisdom when you hear it
Chraeloos: people are funny with how “in the moment” they are – I mean, I work at our equivalent of a DMV, and people come in and get so mad becuase they owe fines…well, don’t speed…lol but they see it as a huge offense to them instead of seeing at something they caused
Chraeloos: Vi, yes very true. I like to practice that at work too – realizing that I don’t know what is happening in other peoples lives so can’t judge their reactions to things
Chraeloos: druth, agreed.
Chraeloos: Everyone has their own idea of right and wrong
druth Vlodovic: I suspect they are angry because they know they did wrong,but not “that” wrong and it irks them
druth Vlodovic: second arrow suffering 🙂
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): I do that out of habit, now, Chrae….even when people harrass me or act in willfully hurtful ways, I kind of reflexively assume THEY’RE in pain
Chraeloos: haha druth, well said
Chraeloos: Vi, yes me too
Chraeloos: its so much easier that way because you don’t take everything personally
Professorette Violet Ninetails (ataraxia.azemus): I need to get going, though….be well, everyone 🙂
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): compassion and empathy are sorely needed in our world
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): yes druth
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): I’m very laggy today
druth Vlodovic: “Forgive your enemies and it will be like heaping hot coals on their heads”
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): often saturdays
Chraeloos: Starheart, I agree completely that compassion and empathy are sorely needed
druth Vlodovic: a mangled quote from the bible somewhere 🙂
Ari (arisia.vita): better still, turn them into friends
Ari (arisia.vita): If I turn an enemy into a friend, have I not also destroyed my enemy? – Abraham Lincoln
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): “love your enemies, bless those that curse you”
Chraeloos: haha druth
druth Vlodovic: though I’m not sure it displays the right attitude, unless it is offered as a warning 🙂
druth Vlodovic: love the quote from Lincoln
Chraeloos: nice quotes
Ari (arisia.vita): one more…Kung Fu wisdom…
Ari (arisia.vita): Master: Vengeance is a water vessel with a hole. It carries nothing but the promise of emptiness.
Disciple: Shall I then repay injury always with kindness?
Master: Repay injury with justice and forgiveness, but kindness always with kindness.
Chraeloos: ah, well said!
Catrinamonblue: dispelling anger with compassion and understanding (or forgiveness) works so much better than reflective anger
druth Vlodovic: someday I need to get a reading list from ari 🙂
Chraeloos: catrina, so true
Ari (arisia.vita): you think I don’t remember all these? have them all in my head?….you are correct 🙂
druth Vlodovic: a reaction that is based on reason and compassion is usually more considered than one based on anger
Chraeloos: druth, yes lol agreed…Ari you should make one
druth Vlodovic: you still have to love yourself enough not to put up with too much though
Chraeloos: druth, yes! Realize when it is time to walk away
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): that may be the hardest thing to learn
Catrinamonblue: yes it is
Chraeloos: how do we open up others to the idea that vulnerability is not negative?
Chraeloos: yes, very true. Who wants to give something up?
druth Vlodovic: I remember when I was thinking about my moral: be good to people, when i suddeny l realized that I am people too!
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): you can feel compassion for the person, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep them or their behaviour in you life
druth Vlodovic: but being defensive isn’t really being good to yourself
Chraeloos: druth, well said
Ari (arisia.vita): you are a special people druth
druth Vlodovic: ty 🙂
Friend of Trees (starheart.mcmasters): yes, its “love your neighbour AS YOURSELF”
druth Vlodovic: not more than
Chraeloos: starheart, true
druth Vlodovic: hence the idea that you can’t love others without loving yourself
druth Vlodovic: you can,but it often ends up being unhealthy
Chraeloos: yes, druth, exactly
Chraeloos: you can’t love others without loving yourself
Chraeloos: hm, looks like its getting time for Sims discussion, should we perhaps call this the end? Please feel free to stick around and come back with firends, this is an open sim..
druth Vlodovic: I figure it comesfromthe sort of politics required to raise big armies
druth Vlodovic: evolution is about the best survivor,rather than the best liver